Ask an Alien!
What would you want want to know if you could only ask an extraterrestrial one question before you were annihilated?
Consider this a combo FAQ/advice column.
Brave enough to banter with a being of superior intellect? We didn’t think so. But if you want to try then contact us now, human!
The quality, coherence and cleverness of your comments will help us determine the intelligence quotient of your species.
So far only a few people have been Bornokovian enough to step up, and we have strong reason to suspect that one of them may actually be a dog.
We knew it.
Buddy from AZ (USA) writes:
Why are you so short and why are your eyes so big?
Dear Buddy,
Look, we didn’t set this thing up for you to insult us.
First of all, some of the greatest and most successful humans in history have been short – Mahatma Gandhi, Napoleon Bonaparte, Ryan Seacrest… The list goes on and on.
Secondly, do you have any idea how ridiculous you look with your puny little peepers? Our eyes are big, black and beautiful!
Mmm-hmm.
If – to reference a common Earth idiom – the eyes really are the windows to the soul then your species may be descendants of the soulless demon brogs of Klinklerblerg.
If this is true, then you have already forfeited the right to your existence and I’m afraid you will be annihilated.
But I guess that would explain the smell.
Thanks for asking, Buddy!
That is all.
Buddy from AZ (USA) writes:
I don’t appreciate being called a dog! I happen to be very handsome.
At least on Earth we can tell one another apart and don’t all look alike, like little freaks!
How dare you try to say you are going to annihilate us – didn’t you see what happened to the aliens on Independence Day! We kicked their [expletive]! Same as we will do to you!
Dear Buddy,
You know, you are decidedly outspoken for a guy who licks his own butt.
You might want to rethink the ‘tude. I mean, we’re not the ones with a MASSIVE DEATH RAY aimed at our planet.
I’m just sayin’.
We’ve seen Independence Day and if you think for one moment you can just hop on your wittle mini laptop and upload a silly wittle virus that will take down our SUPERIOR TECHNOLOGY then you’ve got another thing coming.
Like a visit from one of our scientists, who will upload an anal probe right up your [double expletive]!
Thanks for your comments, Buddy!
(BTW, does your mommy know you’re on her computer talking to aliens?)
That is all.
Sam from AZ (USA) writes:
So with your extensive travel experience, have you found it possible to own property without becoming a citizen of that world or galaxy? If so, I’m looking to buy. Where would be some suggested locations that are suitable for our kind?
Dear Sam,
So let me get this straight.
You have the chance to ask a superior being of superior intellect with superior technology about anything, anything at all…
And you chose to discuss real estate?
What the [expletive] is wrong with you?
Seriously.
-.0000016 automatic deduction against the collective IQ of your species just for asking such a stupid frickin’ question.
So, no.
There is no location that is “suitable for your kind.”
And what makes you think anyone would force you humans to become citizens anyway? Pshaw! That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?
But to satisfy your curiosity, Bornokovia has the most valuable property in the entire universe.
Well, duh.
Only the best and most beautiful planet in the entire universe could produce the best and most beautiful species in it.
That’s usually how it works, you know. Pretty planet = pretty species. Ugly planet = ugly species.
The notable exception to this rule is Earth. No one wants to see your Crab Nebula. Ugly wankers.
But we are bringing sexy back. We are bootylicious. In fact, I really don’t think you are ready for this jelly.
So stay on your own godforsaken planet and leave the rest of the universe alone.
But thanks for the question, Sam!
That is all.
Jonathan from ?? writes:
amazing,aliens using the internet to learn about our species..fascinating..to bad about the repercussions if you find out that we are not exactly what you would call .. ((a smart race)).. as for my question..is your race carbon based? or is it based on other forms of organic/non organic life? another question is how do you feel about all of our scifi movies?
Dear Jonathan,
Your prior comment on our superior genitalia gave your species bonus points. And you earned them.
However, we do find it disturbing that you have 1. not disclosed your location and 2. are asking us to divulge information about our genetic makeup, indicative of the probability that you may, in fact, be a government spy!
Now you’ve made us sad aliens. x(
What happened, Jonathan? I thought we had this like “male bonding” thing going on here.
And what was all that about us visiting Bornokovia together? Was that…
Was that just pillow talk??
…
Well now you’ve made me ruin my mascara.
Are you happy now? Do you enjoy making aliens cry? Did our relationship mean nothing to you??
Well fine then. You can keep your stupid bonus points, since that’s obviously all you really care about anyway.
But the kids are coming with me!
And without your location I’m afraid we have nowhere to send your ticket so I guess you’ll just have to die along with the rest of your stupid [expletive] species on your stupid [expletive] planet.
But thanks for your comments, Jonathan!
(BTW, I didn’t really mean all those things I said, baby. Maybe we can work something out, you know? For the kids’ sake.)
That is all.
Jonathan from ?? writes:
do you have a human intern program? because i believe i am capable of espionage example ..after some observations of my neighbors, (( more specifically the young man that lives next door)) i have come to the conclusion that Jesus Rodriguez my most hated enemy is an alien spy from the far reaches of the cosmos! my reasons for believing this is true are 1. he seems to be speaking some sorta alien language when ever i talk to him. 2. he spends most of his time locked up in his house, trust me Ive been watching him very closely.. 3. yesterday when i corned him when he tried to consume a small defenseless quadruped he ran back into his house!! i quickly fled the scene on the count of the sirens..but im now more than ever convinced that’s hes some sorta alien freak!..no offense. so what do you say? can i have a job? please please please
pretty please!!!!
Dear Jonathan,
Thank you for bringing this man to our attention. Any suspected acts of quadrupedophilia should always be reported immediately. You may also find Agent Spork’s report about a possible rogue agent to be of particular interest.
Apparently he operates under a variety of aliases.
I’ve begged discussed the matter with Agent Spork and she’s in agreement with me that anyone who is willing to work for free just might prove to be useful.
Besides you’re a government employee – it’s not like you pose much of a threat.
We’re willing to consider your proposal, just be aware that slaves interns will be subjected to expected to perform a variety of tortures duties, including but not limited to:
rubbing my feetpicking up my dry cleaningbathing me in chocolate tofu puddingfiling paperssubmitting to daily experimentations designed to document our sexual differencesmaking coffee
An example of what we’d be looking for can be seen in the film (one of my personal favorites!) The Secretary.
Assuming you’re still interested (and why wouldn’t you be?) you’ll still have to apply. I’m afraid allowing our personal relationship to influence the hiring process would just be unprofessional.
To be considered, be sure to include with your application a photo suitable for publication (for our employee directory), proof that you can type 35+ wpm, and a 20-page manifesto on why Bornokovian ambassadors should be worshipped as gods by you pathetically worthless humans.
(Oh and BTW, if you think your sick sexual fetish with our appendages is going to get you out of child support, you are sadly mistaken.)
That is all.
Jordan from ?? writes:
When do you want to come invade my mind and infest me???i wanna help
Dear Jordan,
Intrigued as I am by your proposal, I’m just not looking for a long term relationship right now. I am, however, willing to consider a “friends with benefits” situation. Or, more accurately a “master-slave” relationship. (We can take turns.)
And by the way, what’s up with all the humans engaged in “extraterrestrial eroticism”. There seem to be quite a few of you… Out of four contacts, two of you want to have “relations” with me? I mean, what are the odds?
Unless…
You know, I find it very suspicious that you and Jonathan 1. have failed to disclose your location(s), 2. have names that begin with the letter “J”, and 3. want intimate physical interaction with my masculine hawtness.
So tell me, Jordan. Aren’t you really, in fact, Jonathan?
Or is he just using you to spy on me?? That’s… That’s freakin’ awesome! I’ve always wanted my own private stalker!
Just let me know next time you plan to stop by so I can accidentally-on-purpose leave the blinds open while I, you know, …undress? …seductively?
But since you’ve volunteered your body as an incubator we’ll have to meet up sometime before next Tuesday. (That’s when I’ve scheduled your infestation.)
Give me a call. We’ll do lunch. And maybe Jonathan.
Just be aware that some of our activities may be considered illegal in Jamaica, the Czech Republic and 49 of the US states (all except Arkansas – you can [expletive] anything you want there).
Thanks for the question, Jordan!
That is all.
Jonathan from ?? writes:
dear alien overlords, i have recently discovered that all of my socks are missing and not only that but my whole dresser as well….im not pointing fingers or implying you guys have some sorta sick sock fetish, but i do need those clothes back on the count you don’t want to see my nude..ooxxooxox .p.s thanks alot for raiding my fridge -_-
Dear Jonathan,
First, allow me to thank you for addressing us in the proper manner. If the rest of your species would take a cue from you and just bow down to us in servitude we wouldn’t have to threaten them with annihilation.
I mean, the whole S&M thing is pretty hot. So we might be willing to spare Earth if it means we could have an entire planet of sex slaves.
Again, I’m just sayin’.
But seriously, do you really think we stole your socks? What kind of alien overlords do you think we are?
Although we have been known to “abduct” the occasional wayward “cow”, a few “dead celebrities” and several “tanks” of “tropical fish”, we only do this to mess with you.
So no, I didn’t take your stupid socks. Especially not those soft purple ones with the pink bows and fuzzy bunnies on them. Those decadent, delectably sweet Jonathan-scented socks…
Okay, maybe I did.
But so what? I only did it because I’ve missed you, baby! And so do the kids. They’ve taken to wearing them on their little peckles tentacles.
But considering our… history I don’t think I need to tell you what I’ve been doing with your socks. Let’s just say that when you get them back a little bit of me will come along with them.
Dude, I was talking about my saliva. I’ve been licking them, not… You sick little freak.
Well, okay. Maybe I did. But just a little.
But regarding the contents of your refrigerator, quit stocking it with Martinelli’s and tofu because that’s the surest way to get me in the sack to break my diet. But if you insist on these perpetual temptations I’ll be forced to keep raiding your fridge and stealing your virtue undergarments, at least until you get caught up on your child support payments.
By the way, you’re about 1.5 million Bornokovian Blirkles behind. So you might want to get on that, unless you want Taco Bell to start garnishing your wages.
And as to the comment about me not wanting to see you naked… Well let’s just say that if tomorrow morning you wake up to find the entire contents of your closet have gone missing, it wasn’t me. And I most certainly won’t be rolling around on them covered in soy cheese. And confetti.
Mmm…
Okay, you can have your dresser back. But I’m keeping the fuzzy bunny socks! And the lotion. (It reminds me of that weekend we spent in Cabo.)
That is all.
